Elated Despair

It's done. As i walk out the the school gate for the last time, i don't know if i should cry or shout for joy.  I have dreamed of this moment for a long time, i just forgot the part where i have to say all the good byes.  Some of these kids i didn't ever want to see again, that sounds awful but they, at times made my life hell, but for some reason i am saddened by the fact that i didn't get to say good bye to every single one of them.  This has been the longest but also the shortest year of my life.  I am not sure I can even bring to memory some of the challenges that I have faced purely because I didn't want to ever think of them after they happened.  But these kids are faced with challenges a hundred times greater than mine ever were this year. 

Today  I whispered I love you, to a little boy, who I am not sure has ever heard those words spoken to him.  He looked shocked, and i watched as his lips fumbled the sound of the word love out of his mouth.  It fell out sounding like phuv.  he grabbed me in a hug and sprinted off.  Had he ever said or heard the word love before?   

I went to the 8th grade graduation last night and as i watch some of these kids and i look into their eyes, i can see a depth that goes deeper than some adults that i have met, purely because of some of the things that they have experienced in life.  

I listened to a teachers prayer over her students as she has graduated them out of grade-school, "Lord you know the challenges these kids face, the abusive unstable homes with grandparents trying to fill in as parents because the parents are to broken to be parents to their own children." 

I watched a young mans face radiate embarrassment and disappointment as his own drunken mother came to his graduation with a bottle of beer in her hand.  These kids aren't ready for academy, emotionally these kids are stunted, they've been cheated, wronged.  Life is already breaking their spirit, their belief in their selves, their heart has been broken, disappointed, lied to....and they are only 13 or 14 years old.  

       

I still don't know what to feel right now.  elated despair. That's the best i got.

283 Days...283 Days with no fighting, yelling, stealing, lying, name-calling, silent fuming, door slamming, "borrowed" clothes, arguments, being locked in the bathroom, rude awakenings, farts in my face, screaming, jumped on, sat on, fighting over the shower and ... did i mention the wedgies...

Also 283 days with no shared secrets, private jokes, secret languages, knowing looks, understanding ears, beautiful cloths, hysterical laughing, mid-night escapades, singing in the car as loud as we can, sleeping in the same bed, laughing at the others stupid comments, sharing stories, sharing food, sharing clothes, experiences, movies, ice-cream, or dance-parties....283 days without Laughing with my sister face-to-face.  

I really missed this girl.  And i can't wait to see her tomorrow.  Jeni i love you too.  Just so you know, the next thing i am looking forward to is us three sleeping together outside in one bed on the back porch.  You have no idea how excited I am for us to all hang out this summer.  It is going to be AMAZING!!! I can't wait for all the memories we will make.

kin·dred spir·it (plural kin·dred spir·its)

Definition:

somebody like you in character: somebody who resembles somebody else in character, interests, and temperament Contessa Mensink...you are awesome.  I just want to make sure that anyone who googles your name will hopefully come across this blog and read it and be made aware of your awesomeness.  I can't think of more than a few people who have talked and dreamed with me and then made those things reality.  My favorite thing about Contessa is that when we talk, its not just the I'm-gonna-dream-about-this-but-don't-expect-it-to-actually-happen, kind of talk, its the Let's-dream-about-this-and-then-make-it-happen kind of talk.  I was thinking today how many things we have done together...its a lot, and our plans for the future and it made me smile, because I know with us, some of our craziest dream-talks are going to happen. And they are going to be awesome.  Just like the ones we have already done.  Those who still don't understand the awesomeness of this girl, well let me give you some examples.  She has traveled the world, (well a lot of it), went and ran up Mount Rainer, ran a marathon, Jumped out of a plane at thousands of feet, is an amazing cook, goes hiking at 5 am, goes cliff jumping, and does a million other things that are extremely hardcore.     So even though we don't always see eye-to-eye on every single thing, I am so thankful for our many adventurous excursions and our exciting plans for our future.  What ever you chose to do you are going to be awesome.  So PA or Doctor, what does it really matter, either way both of them are going to easily support your diversely active lifestyle.  Ok, that may be simplifying that decision a little to much.

if i was rich...

I think if i was rich i would like to go to bars.

bars where the waitresses wear short skirts 

with their bras showing because they think it 

will get them more tips.  Bars where the waitresses 

point and laugh with the other waitresses because

you aren't ordering any alcohol.  Bars where the 

waitresses have a black eye that's covered up with

to much eye makeup.  Bars where the waitresses 

have been so beat up with life that they have forgotten

how to be dreamers.  I want to go to these bars and leave

them tips in the amount that they have never dreamed of 

seeing before.  And i like to think that they would take this

money and buy themselves a new life.  But i guess that's

not how it works, i guess money isn't really what they 

need, or is it?  What do people like this need, or are they 

actually content with their way of life.  I would have liked to

ask my waitress all these questions tonight but i guess that 

doing something like that isn't socially acceptable.  But then 

again i think that a lot of the things Jesus did probably wasn't

socially acceptable either.  I think i should live a more socially 

unacceptable life.  Although I am not sure i want to.  happy cinco

de mayo.  

"Susan Boyle dreamed of being a professional singer since she was 12. She's now 47 and lives in a small village in Scotland. Last weekend she appeared on Britain's Got Talent, where her performance....well, check it out here. Please.

Listen to her beautiful voice, and then think about what that moment meant. For 35 years, Susan Boyle dreamed about it. She faced enormous struggles and roadblocks, but did not let them derail her completely. She sang in her church choir and at karaoke nights, continuing to develop her voice, and then she stepped out. She signed up for the show and in a matter of minutes has taken the world by storm. 

What strikes me when I watch the video (and I've watched it several times over the past few days), it's that while her voice is truly breathtaking, it's not those few minutes onstage that tell her story. It's 35 years of dreaming, 35 years of never giving up, 35 years of judging herself by what she had on the inside, not how she looked on the outside, that make her performance not just beautiful, but heroic.

In my eyes, anyway.

I believe that each of us has the power to achieve our dreams...or some measure of them, anyway. If we step away from the mirror and lookinside ourselves, we can find our strengths, our tenacity, and our courage, and we can succeed."

Kindergartners who listen to rap music.

3rd graders who's parents live in California.

a boy who can't afford to bring lunch to school.

an exchange student who cuts his wrists.

active twin boys who can't go outside after school.

a five year old who only talks about Nintendo D'S...Seriously.

a 7th grade boy who got in a fist fight with his father at school.

an 8th grade dropout.

a first grader pretending to smoke a stick as a joke.

a child pulled out of school because of negative influences.

a teacher cussed out by a parent.

gossiping teachers.

children raised by grandparents.

a 6 year old who sometimes lives with his uncle, his mom, or his other uncle.

a kindergartner who watched his dad crack his moms skull with a golf club.

a 3rd grade girl who got made fun of because her dad was in jail.

the small 8th grade boy who "accidentally" gets beat up by classmates.

a mother slapping her 5 year old across the face

8th grade girls on birth control.

4th grades who ride the public bus to school by themselves. 

girls desperate for attention.

a kindergartner who asked me who Jesus was.

 

The Best Kind Of Surpise.

You know the ones I am talking about.  The ones that freeze that second into a complete halt.  The ones that ares so surprising that even in your best day dreams you couldn't even create that moment in your head.  That was what Dustin's proposal was like. . . The Best Kind of Surprise.

It started with this painting.  Dustin painted it then cut it up and 

wrote clues and hints on the back of each piece then set up an

extravagant treasure hunt all over the island.

We went hiking at six in the morning....

After some amazing breakfast with macadamia nut syrup we went Kayaking, watched hang-gliders, and para-gliders.

Then Contessa made us one of the best sandwiches I have ever eaten.  We watched sea turtles and whales from this spot. We then headed back to shower and get dressed up for eating out at P.F. Changs, my favorite restaurant.  

One of the last clues Contessa gave to me with a blindfold on it.  She blindfolded me and then took me for a drive.

This is where we ended up.  Overlooking the ocean, palm trees, and the Hawaiian Sunset.

 As Dustin took my blindfold off I remember opening my eyes and seeing everything he had laid out and thinking, "wow, this is really amazing just for something to do to make me feel special, the must had been a lot of work."  That is all I thought, there was not even a second where the idea that he might even be thinking about proposing entered my mind.  

After Dustin played his guitar and sang me a song he had written, he gave me the last piece of the painting.  We put the painting together, and then talking a little about the day.  During this time, i asked him why he was still so nervous, "the song is over Dustin, I loved it.  You can relax now.  Lets just sit and talk and hang out,  Stop being so nervous."  He smiled and said ok, but then told me he had one more question he wanted to ask me... And then I got the best surprise of my life and a beautiful ring on my finger.

7 months

Chelsey...I miss you.  Lets do this again in seven months.  

Roaches!

So the one big complaint i have about Hawaii is, the cockroaches.  I think I could be here forever and no matter how many times i see one it will still produce the same feelings in me. Fury that rises up from my stomach, that they would dare have the nerve to run around where i can see them.  My body instantly starts tensing up as the cockroach and i stare at each other both trying to decide what to do.  Well good news my friends, i have finally figured out a solution to my unending hatred for Roaches.  I discovered tonight another purpose for my amazing odd talent at towel snapping, and cockroaches seem to provide the perfect target.  I discovered this talent in an odd sort of way tonight.  I happened to be sitting on the toilet ( too much information, sorry but it plays a key part in my discovery ).  So while sitting there i see a giant cockroach run out from the garbage can by me, i can't step on it cause it is to far away, and i can't throw something at it cause it probably won't kill it.  Meanwhile the roach has frozen in this corner about 3 feet away from me.  I have frozen on the toilet knowing that if i move it is going to run under the door... but then i spotted the towel hanging right in front of me.  Brilliant!  So i slowly rolled the towel up just how i like to, i try to aim the best that i can from my awkward position...SNAP!  Deep satisfaction as both i and the two halves of the cockroach have a whole new respect for my talent.