Elated Despair

It's done. As i walk out the the school gate for the last time, i don't know if i should cry or shout for joy.  I have dreamed of this moment for a long time, i just forgot the part where i have to say all the good byes.  Some of these kids i didn't ever want to see again, that sounds awful but they, at times made my life hell, but for some reason i am saddened by the fact that i didn't get to say good bye to every single one of them.  This has been the longest but also the shortest year of my life.  I am not sure I can even bring to memory some of the challenges that I have faced purely because I didn't want to ever think of them after they happened.  But these kids are faced with challenges a hundred times greater than mine ever were this year. 

Today  I whispered I love you, to a little boy, who I am not sure has ever heard those words spoken to him.  He looked shocked, and i watched as his lips fumbled the sound of the word love out of his mouth.  It fell out sounding like phuv.  he grabbed me in a hug and sprinted off.  Had he ever said or heard the word love before?   

I went to the 8th grade graduation last night and as i watch some of these kids and i look into their eyes, i can see a depth that goes deeper than some adults that i have met, purely because of some of the things that they have experienced in life.  

I listened to a teachers prayer over her students as she has graduated them out of grade-school, "Lord you know the challenges these kids face, the abusive unstable homes with grandparents trying to fill in as parents because the parents are to broken to be parents to their own children." 

I watched a young mans face radiate embarrassment and disappointment as his own drunken mother came to his graduation with a bottle of beer in her hand.  These kids aren't ready for academy, emotionally these kids are stunted, they've been cheated, wronged.  Life is already breaking their spirit, their belief in their selves, their heart has been broken, disappointed, lied to....and they are only 13 or 14 years old.  

       

I still don't know what to feel right now.  elated despair. That's the best i got.

283 Days...283 Days with no fighting, yelling, stealing, lying, name-calling, silent fuming, door slamming, "borrowed" clothes, arguments, being locked in the bathroom, rude awakenings, farts in my face, screaming, jumped on, sat on, fighting over the shower and ... did i mention the wedgies...

Also 283 days with no shared secrets, private jokes, secret languages, knowing looks, understanding ears, beautiful cloths, hysterical laughing, mid-night escapades, singing in the car as loud as we can, sleeping in the same bed, laughing at the others stupid comments, sharing stories, sharing food, sharing clothes, experiences, movies, ice-cream, or dance-parties....283 days without Laughing with my sister face-to-face.  

I really missed this girl.  And i can't wait to see her tomorrow.  Jeni i love you too.  Just so you know, the next thing i am looking forward to is us three sleeping together outside in one bed on the back porch.  You have no idea how excited I am for us to all hang out this summer.  It is going to be AMAZING!!! I can't wait for all the memories we will make.

kin·dred spir·it (plural kin·dred spir·its)

Definition:

somebody like you in character: somebody who resembles somebody else in character, interests, and temperament Contessa Mensink...you are awesome.  I just want to make sure that anyone who googles your name will hopefully come across this blog and read it and be made aware of your awesomeness.  I can't think of more than a few people who have talked and dreamed with me and then made those things reality.  My favorite thing about Contessa is that when we talk, its not just the I'm-gonna-dream-about-this-but-don't-expect-it-to-actually-happen, kind of talk, its the Let's-dream-about-this-and-then-make-it-happen kind of talk.  I was thinking today how many things we have done together...its a lot, and our plans for the future and it made me smile, because I know with us, some of our craziest dream-talks are going to happen. And they are going to be awesome.  Just like the ones we have already done.  Those who still don't understand the awesomeness of this girl, well let me give you some examples.  She has traveled the world, (well a lot of it), went and ran up Mount Rainer, ran a marathon, Jumped out of a plane at thousands of feet, is an amazing cook, goes hiking at 5 am, goes cliff jumping, and does a million other things that are extremely hardcore.     So even though we don't always see eye-to-eye on every single thing, I am so thankful for our many adventurous excursions and our exciting plans for our future.  What ever you chose to do you are going to be awesome.  So PA or Doctor, what does it really matter, either way both of them are going to easily support your diversely active lifestyle.  Ok, that may be simplifying that decision a little to much.

if i was rich...

I think if i was rich i would like to go to bars.

bars where the waitresses wear short skirts 

with their bras showing because they think it 

will get them more tips.  Bars where the waitresses 

point and laugh with the other waitresses because

you aren't ordering any alcohol.  Bars where the 

waitresses have a black eye that's covered up with

to much eye makeup.  Bars where the waitresses 

have been so beat up with life that they have forgotten

how to be dreamers.  I want to go to these bars and leave

them tips in the amount that they have never dreamed of 

seeing before.  And i like to think that they would take this

money and buy themselves a new life.  But i guess that's

not how it works, i guess money isn't really what they 

need, or is it?  What do people like this need, or are they 

actually content with their way of life.  I would have liked to

ask my waitress all these questions tonight but i guess that 

doing something like that isn't socially acceptable.  But then 

again i think that a lot of the things Jesus did probably wasn't

socially acceptable either.  I think i should live a more socially 

unacceptable life.  Although I am not sure i want to.  happy cinco

de mayo.